Life is hard enough, trying to get that shotgun barrel into your mouth was a huge leap for me as well as feeling the trigger on my calloused thumb. It would just take a the slightest movement to end what Ive been to the world as I see it, a negative on society. I watch and read on Facebook from old friends how people who dont have a 9-5 McJob should just somehow magically figure out their problems, put down the bottle and the needle and become one of them. And it worked, Ive been made to feel like a negative rather than a positive. Ive tried to explain my exploits of living a Dr. Hunter Thompsonesk life but my words have not done my soule justice as it very well may not deserve justice. Im just a junkie alcoholic sonless father who has been nearsighted literally and figurateively my entire life. I blame my Mother, she had a maid and liked Waterford Crystal, I blame my Dad for joining the Marines to go get killed in VietNam, I blame my Stepfather who did nothing but provide a stable home and my Mothers happiness but couldnt reach me, I blame my Granna who spoiled me rotten after losing her oldest boy to a stupid war, I blame my sister who I would roll up in the bottom of a sleeping bag, place the bag in a box and put the box in the garage with the lights turned out and the door locked, I blame her because she didnt hit me hard enough even being the wild wild woman she was (and still is). I blame Mr Winters and Mr Chipunski for only taking me fishing a few times a year with the blackberry brandy, I blame my Grandfather who taught me how to hunt but we never killed one thing together, I blame my Uncle Tommy who tourtured me with tickles and farts in the face while showing off his wrestling moves but he didnt show me what a correct destiny was. Everyone is to blame.
I wait for the end so unpatiently, I cant get a grip on the fact that I can neither pull the trigger or that drinking and drugging may take longer than I thought.
Maybe my mind was just not born for this world, a glitch, a small non synapsis that prevented me from being what most would call normal. It seems normal to want to do everything you have to love your child, to protect your love ones, your family, to give more to the world than you have taken to make a better place for generations. Do I have a glitch? am I just selfish? Are the drugs worth it so much that I can ignore every viable point in life?
If you could come to a conclusion as to wether your life is a negative on the world or a positive, wouldnt it be best for the world and generations to come if we had a simple "way out".
Im sorry, I dont proofread what I say, I try to just let it flow. Im a negative for not learning basic English Im trying my best to be a positive so I can get on with things.
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